I cannot believe I am actually posting this. Not looking for sympathy, I just feel the need to get it out there and let go of some stuff I've been holding onto for too long. Basically I wrote a letter to my body...sounds stupid, but surprisingly it left me feeling quite relieved - I would actually recommend doing it!
Firstly, let me say that I am so sorry for everything I've put you through. I really don't know how you cope. You know we've never been best friends...when I was young I was the awkward, tall girl; then I became the awkward, tall fat girl - through no fault of your own - because I was lazy and didn't care about you. Then I began punishing you because I hated you so much by going for as long as I could without feeding you until the hunger became enjoyable.You weren't making me skinny fast enough - because I couldn't resist the temptation of binging - so I started forcing you to bring back up everything I put into you, at increasingly regular intervals. I abused you so much, even once putting alcohol into you to make throwing up easier. Sorry. I didn't give a shit about if you worked properly or what would happen when I grew older, all I wanted was to be thin.
Can I also say thank you. Really, I should be dead right now, but for whatever reason you brought me back. I poisoned you to a point where most underweight fourteen year old bodies would give up - but you didn't. And for that I am truly grateful. It makes me think that there's a reason I am still here, a reason you gave me a second chance - but maybe it was just luck. Although I never have been a lucky person.
I wish that I felt attractive. Not necessarily to others, but I want to be able to look in the mirror and honestly say that I'm ok with the person I see. Although I can't say that I love you yet, I am beginning to accept you. The acceptance process will be long, but I think slowly I'm getting there. I pray that I have not damaged you too much and that you will forgive me. I pray that one day we can be at one in perfect harmony and be able to listen to each other, but til then:
Thank You. And sorry. x