I cannot believe I am actually posting this. Not looking for sympathy, I just feel the need to get it out there and let go of some stuff I've been holding onto for too long. Basically I wrote a letter to my body...sounds stupid, but surprisingly it left me feeling quite relieved - I would actually recommend doing it!
Dear Body,
Firstly, let me say that I am so sorry for everything I've put you through. I really don't know how you cope. You know we've never been best friends...when I was young I was the awkward, tall girl; then I became the awkward, tall fat girl - through no fault of your own - because I was lazy and didn't care about you. Then I began punishing you because I hated you so much by going for as long as I could without feeding you until the hunger became enjoyable.You weren't making me skinny fast enough - because I couldn't resist the temptation of binging - so I started forcing you to bring back up everything I put into you, at increasingly regular intervals. I abused you so much, even once putting alcohol into you to make throwing up easier. Sorry. I didn't give a shit about if you worked properly or what would happen when I grew older, all I wanted was to be thin.
Can I also say thank you. Really, I should be dead right now, but for whatever reason you brought me back. I poisoned you to a point where most underweight fourteen year old bodies would give up - but you didn't. And for that I am truly grateful. It makes me think that there's a reason I am still here, a reason you gave me a second chance - but maybe it was just luck. Although I never have been a lucky person.
I wish that I felt attractive. Not necessarily to others, but I want to be able to look in the mirror and honestly say that I'm ok with the person I see. Although I can't say that I love you yet, I am beginning to accept you. The acceptance process will be long, but I think slowly I'm getting there. I pray that I have not damaged you too much and that you will forgive me. I pray that one day we can be at one in perfect harmony and be able to listen to each other, but til then:
Thank You. And sorry. x
It's so strange, This is my first time in your blog and I sort of stumble upon and reading this truly moved me, because remind me of myself when I was your age I had an eating disorder and I know how it feels, your letter is beautiful and what you have done here by posting and sharing your letter is truly remarkable and it takes a lot of courage. Maybe isn't my business but if you ever fell like writing to someone about it drop me an email: victoria@stylemarmalade.com
ReplyDeleteThis will pass and take care. xx
Thank you so much for this comment, it really means a lot to me that you took the time to reply :)
DeleteI just thought that it would be good to get all of this out there in the open, and maybe help other people in similar positions to realise they're not alone!
Thank you for offering, that's really lovely of you. Just to say, your blog is great!
All the best, Iona xx